Jasmine..how I miss her!!!
It's hard to believe she's gone...gone from my life for ever..gone from the ends of the earth to a land I never know..wish I was in a bad dream and wake up to find her cuddled in my bed, just like always!
Where do I start to talk about her?
Our first meeting was six years ago. It was love at first sight. And then, there was no looking back! Our time together was always filled with joy and laughter. Until that fine day six months ago. Jasmine had unexplained fever for a week and we went to her physician. That was when he palpated the lumps in her neck. "I'm concerned" , was what he said. What he was talking about made little sense to me. Though I'm a software engineer, I had some knowledge of medicine (or so I thought) enough to know that amoxicillin did not work any more for anything. "Doctor, give her the strongest antibiotic you have. Cost does not matter". The doctor gave me a gentle smile and said , "I'm not concerned about an infection. But we do need to get this lump biopsied". "And we need to schedule it as soon as possible". I did not question the doctor's instruction. He was the smartest one in town, and I did not dare to question his decision. The next day, the biopsy was scheduled. Jasmine tolerated the anesthesia well. A resilient one she was, and never a complainer. Two days later, the doctor called. He wanted to talk in person. My wife and I went with absolutely no idea as to what state of mind we would be in when we were returning back.
The doctor did not beat around the bush. "Lymphoma", he called it. "It is a cancer of the lymph nodes". "It is what I suspected". And then helplessly, "I'm sorry". The doctor did not mean it, did he? What was he talking about? My wife and I had a mask-like stare on her faces. "Doctor, it must be a false diagnosis. Or the results must have got mixed up with another patient". The doctor gave me a smile that was similar to one gives to an ignorant eight year old. "No, that's extremely unlikely. The clinical features of the lymph nodes are very much concerning for cancer. It is without doubt, lymphoma. Fortunately, we have an oncologist, that is, a cancer specialist who is also a part of our hospital. And I have scheduled for you to see him right away". The oncologist examined Jasmine. He did not seem to have any empathy and seemed to be "matter-of-fact" about confirming her diagnosis and treatment plan. I later realized he must have developed the attitude after interacting with cancer patients almost every day of his life.
And so began Jasmine's journey with chemotherapy.
Days of nausea, vomiting and fatigue were interspersed with chemotherapy free days when she would feel slightly more energetic. Three months into treatment, I realized even before hearing from the doctor that things were not working the way my wife and I wanted it. Jasmine was losing more weight and appeared more fatigued. The visit with the oncologist confirmed our fear. He palpated newer lumps in her body. A special kind of scan (PET scan, the doctor called it) was done which to our misery revealed that the cancer was aggressive and fast growing, and not responding to treatment . My wife and I could not discuss any further with the doctor and returned home in silence. It is still vivid in my memory how my wife and I hugged and cried the moment we reached home. Sometimes, oh how you wish you had a hand to work on your destiny! Huh, if only!! Days of denial and bargaining were followed by acceptance.
During this time, Jasmine became thin and debilitated and it was not hard to guess that her clock was ticking, and ticking fast!!
"Palliative care" was the next new term we had to learn about. The doctor explained that it was a field of medicine that aimed at focusing on comfort care for terminally ill patients. By this time, we sadly but truly accepted the fact that Jasmine was indeed terminally ill. The doctor prescribed heavy narcotics to keep her pain free and comfortable. It pained me to see Jasmine sometimes drowsy from the effect of the medications that she could hardly keep her eyes open.
One warm evening a few days later, Jasmine was lying on my lap when her breathing slowed down and moments later, she passed away.
I lay there staring for minutes, or it may have been hours! I cannot recall. Those moments are vivid in some ways, and in other ways , blurred.
There ended my journey with Jasmine.
Jasmine, my dear!
Jasmine, my dear Golden Retriever dog!
Yes, my first and only pet! She was gifted to me by my wife, Vandhana, for our first wedding anniversary. Since then, Vandhana and I had brought up Jasmine as our child. Only to lose her unfortunately to cancer! Yet, the years we had with Jasmine are precious! She has left a huge imprint in our minds and a bigger hole in our hearts..Now all we have of Jasmine are the memories, pictures, and now this story.....!!!
It's hard to believe she's gone...gone from my life for ever..gone from the ends of the earth to a land I never know..wish I was in a bad dream and wake up to find her cuddled in my bed, just like always!
Where do I start to talk about her?
Our first meeting was six years ago. It was love at first sight. And then, there was no looking back! Our time together was always filled with joy and laughter. Until that fine day six months ago. Jasmine had unexplained fever for a week and we went to her physician. That was when he palpated the lumps in her neck. "I'm concerned" , was what he said. What he was talking about made little sense to me. Though I'm a software engineer, I had some knowledge of medicine (or so I thought) enough to know that amoxicillin did not work any more for anything. "Doctor, give her the strongest antibiotic you have. Cost does not matter". The doctor gave me a gentle smile and said , "I'm not concerned about an infection. But we do need to get this lump biopsied". "And we need to schedule it as soon as possible". I did not question the doctor's instruction. He was the smartest one in town, and I did not dare to question his decision. The next day, the biopsy was scheduled. Jasmine tolerated the anesthesia well. A resilient one she was, and never a complainer. Two days later, the doctor called. He wanted to talk in person. My wife and I went with absolutely no idea as to what state of mind we would be in when we were returning back.
The doctor did not beat around the bush. "Lymphoma", he called it. "It is a cancer of the lymph nodes". "It is what I suspected". And then helplessly, "I'm sorry". The doctor did not mean it, did he? What was he talking about? My wife and I had a mask-like stare on her faces. "Doctor, it must be a false diagnosis. Or the results must have got mixed up with another patient". The doctor gave me a smile that was similar to one gives to an ignorant eight year old. "No, that's extremely unlikely. The clinical features of the lymph nodes are very much concerning for cancer. It is without doubt, lymphoma. Fortunately, we have an oncologist, that is, a cancer specialist who is also a part of our hospital. And I have scheduled for you to see him right away". The oncologist examined Jasmine. He did not seem to have any empathy and seemed to be "matter-of-fact" about confirming her diagnosis and treatment plan. I later realized he must have developed the attitude after interacting with cancer patients almost every day of his life.
And so began Jasmine's journey with chemotherapy.
Days of nausea, vomiting and fatigue were interspersed with chemotherapy free days when she would feel slightly more energetic. Three months into treatment, I realized even before hearing from the doctor that things were not working the way my wife and I wanted it. Jasmine was losing more weight and appeared more fatigued. The visit with the oncologist confirmed our fear. He palpated newer lumps in her body. A special kind of scan (PET scan, the doctor called it) was done which to our misery revealed that the cancer was aggressive and fast growing, and not responding to treatment . My wife and I could not discuss any further with the doctor and returned home in silence. It is still vivid in my memory how my wife and I hugged and cried the moment we reached home. Sometimes, oh how you wish you had a hand to work on your destiny! Huh, if only!! Days of denial and bargaining were followed by acceptance.
During this time, Jasmine became thin and debilitated and it was not hard to guess that her clock was ticking, and ticking fast!!
"Palliative care" was the next new term we had to learn about. The doctor explained that it was a field of medicine that aimed at focusing on comfort care for terminally ill patients. By this time, we sadly but truly accepted the fact that Jasmine was indeed terminally ill. The doctor prescribed heavy narcotics to keep her pain free and comfortable. It pained me to see Jasmine sometimes drowsy from the effect of the medications that she could hardly keep her eyes open.
One warm evening a few days later, Jasmine was lying on my lap when her breathing slowed down and moments later, she passed away.
I lay there staring for minutes, or it may have been hours! I cannot recall. Those moments are vivid in some ways, and in other ways , blurred.
There ended my journey with Jasmine.
Jasmine, my dear!
Jasmine, my dear Golden Retriever dog!
Yes, my first and only pet! She was gifted to me by my wife, Vandhana, for our first wedding anniversary. Since then, Vandhana and I had brought up Jasmine as our child. Only to lose her unfortunately to cancer! Yet, the years we had with Jasmine are precious! She has left a huge imprint in our minds and a bigger hole in our hearts..Now all we have of Jasmine are the memories, pictures, and now this story.....!!!
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